Tell Me Your Darkest Secrets

Quarantine life got us thinking a lot of things. And they’re not always about seeing the silver lining at the end of the rainbow, sometimes they are dark and creepy.

Hopelessness. Depression. Loneliness.

Some are stuck on the four cornered wall of their rooms, some lost their jobs due to economic relapse, others are striving hard to live for another day thinking what to eat for dinner. Mental health is real, especially in this time of pandemic. And while we see other people live their lives from day to day, we never know the struggles they are facing and the inner demons they are fighting.

I am no psychologist, but I had an episode in my life when I could not see anything in life but pain. Some people are very vocal on social media about their struggles, mine was one of that silent cry in the corner. It was when  I went incognito and flew sixty three miles away from home.

On that brief interlude of my life, I flew to a place I thought would give me answers to my misery, with just a thousand pesos in my pocket borrowed from my sister. On the first night I slept on an internet cafe with an empty stomach. A friend came to feed me, but I had no appetite after crying for days. The next day, I was wandering on the streets, I was so tired I slept on an empty vacated room near the street, full of dusts.

That afternoon I found myself walking on the bay walk. I was blankly staring at the sea, suicidal thoughts on my mind. That maybe I could just dive into the water and stop breathing just so I can end the pain. But I was thinking about my parents, grieving to find my dead body from a strange land. But what if my body will not be found? What if no one really knew I drown at the bay?

So I kept on wandering, chasing people who wronged me who were nowhere to be found. That night my friend found me, brought me to the terminal, paid for my bus and ferry, and sent me home.

Those were the days I cried my heart out that no matter how much more I wanted to cry, there were no more tears left, just me wailing stupidly while staring at the ceiling. At worse, when I tried to show my emotions, people who I thought would help me scorned and mocked my faith,yes, my faith.

I know there are people out there who had gone through worse than I had. This outfit post today is dedicated to you- to everyone who hides behind their masks, to everyone who takes comfort in darkness, and to everyone who bravely face their struggles head on. Cheers to you strong human!

Top – Thrifted / Shirt – Thrifted / Boots – S & H / Mask – Lazada / Earrings – Ayalamalls Bazaar

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